The Internet – According to a totally reliable source, George Zimmerman is in trouble again, and this time he might have to spend at least a day or two in jail.
Zimmerman went to North Carolina recently, where he purchased a new gun because some people will sell weapons to anyone. Then he volunteered to stand watch in women’s bathrooms to guard against potential predators, his gun concealed within his oversized pants, and they let him do it because reasons. He stood in the bathroom for hours without incident except for several women running out screaming, only to be told the suspicious-looking man was supposed to be there, and he was there to keep them safe.
The period of relative calm ended around 3:30 in the afternoon, when 23-year-old Abby Wells, who used to play basketball at a small college you probably never heard of, entered the restroom. She walked right past Zimmerman and then closed the stall door, where she proceeded to empty her bladder as Zimmerman failed to knock down the door. Then, as she made her way to the sink, arguably the most terrible George in American history confronted Ms. Wells, accusing her of being a dangerous transgender person.
According to the aforementioned reliable source, Ms. Wells assured Zimmerman she had always been a woman, not that it was any of his business, and the fact she was taller than him only really meant he was short. Then, when he continued to obstruct her movement, she shoved him out of the way, at which point he brandished his weapon, claiming the world would be much safer without people like Ms. Wells walking the streets. Then he shot her in the foot so she’d be unable to walk.
Zimmerman’s lawyers, according to the reliable and real informant, had almost given up, but then they realized they were in North Carolina so they’d probably win the case.