by Donald Trump, or someone pretending to be him
It’s come to my attention that some of the haters are calling my patriotism into question, because I got medical deferments to keep me out of Vietnam but those same issues didn’t keep me from playing sports in college. Their point is dumb. Of course I am patriotic. I made sure to stay out of the war so I could continue being alive so I could keep doing great things for the country and eventually Make America Great Again.
What I said should be plenty of explanation, but in case anyone still doubts me, I will combine two of the most patriotic American things to do: eating hot dogs and winning. That’s right, people, I’m going to enter the hot dog eating contest this year, and I am going to win.
Now some losers might say I can’t enter the contest because I’m not in the eating club that all the other people in this competition are in. No problem. I’ll join the club. First, someone needs to tell me what the club is called and how to get in, since I don’t do research, but after I apply they will let me in the club and let me in the contest because if I’m there the ratings will be yuuge. And they will be even yuuger when I defend my title next year as president.
Other people, and let me tell you these are stupid people, might doubt my ability to eat enough hot dogs to win the contest. First of all, have you seen my head? There may be no face in the world better suited to being stuffed with what Nathan’s is famous for than my face. So I will eat a lot of wieners. I will eat the most wieners. Nobody will eat more wieners than I will.
The last sentence might sound wrong, and frankly a bit gross, if Hillary Clinton said it, but when I say it they are the words of a winner. A champion. And I will be the champion. Who’s gonna stop me? Eric, “Fatman” I think his nickname is, Booker? Fat chance. Joey Chestnut? More like Joey Peanut, because compared to me that’s the size of his stomach and perhaps other parts of his body. Crazy Legs Conti? He’d get trampled by Crazy Brain Trump, which is me. And Matt Stonie is a cheater who I will get disqualified. I mean, he must be 130 pounds soaking wet. No way he eats this much. He’s probably got lasers in his mouth which totally evaporate the food so he breathes out and all the food goes out into the air and no one even sees it happening. Total cheater, just like everyone else I can’t figure out how to beat.
Anyway, I will win. And all the people who love me, and there are many, will try to be like me, and together we will Make America Yuge Again.