Weretree Epidemic Spreads Among Stoners

Plant, Tree, Tree Planting, Nature

Turns out you are what you smoke – at least temporarily – if what you smoke is marijuana.

Phytomorphic activity, which should be the term for turning into trees even though spellcheck doesn’t recognize it, has been on the rise, and the cause appears to be frequent marijuana use. One frequent marijuana user, who asked to be identified only as Joe, managed to not turn into a tree for long enough to discuss his experiences.

“I smoke a lot,” he said, as if we didn’t already know. “I smoke so many trees that I often felt that I was one with the trees. But I never really thought I would be one of the trees until I became one. When it first happened, I thought maybe I was just really high, but it turned out I actually was really high because my trunk was like fifty feet tall and if I still had eyes then I would have been able to see for miles, but I still kept some of my personness so I knew what I was and I could feel and sense things. And when you think of flashbacks you usually think of a different drug, but I was flashing back to tenth grade math class. Geometry, ha-ha. I swear that was the funniest thing ever yesterday, which was the last time I was a tree, and when you leave I’m going to do it again.”

Marilyn Washington, 46, whose  22-year-old son Michael lives with her because of the difficulty of paying for a drug habit while also paying rent, confirmed the existence of the epidemic from a sober person’s perspective. “It was dinnertime, and Mike was off from work that day so he was in his room doing that thing that he does, so I call up to him saying there’s fish and potatoes on the table, and usually when he hears that he comes running right down because that’s his favorite, but this time there was no response. So I go up and knock and he still don’t answer, so I take a deep breath and open the door and there he is with his bottom in his chair and his bottom is a bunch of roots because he turned into a tree. He’s a skinny boy, so he’s a skinny tree, going from his chair all the way out the open window. Let me tell you, I almost wanted to get high myself to forget seeing that, but I’m a grown adult now and I can’t be doing that no more, especially if it makes you turn into trees now.”

While Mike Washington eventually changed back into his human self with no permanent damage, Chris O’Connor wasn’t so lucky. The high school senior turned into a tree right in front of his family’s front door, and, not realizing what was going on, his father took an ax from the garage and started chopping.  After a couple of strokes, Chris O’Connor stopped being a tree and became a kid with a terrible leg injury which will leave permanent scars. According to doctors, if Mr. O’Connor swung the ax one more time then his son would have had to have had his foot amputated.

When reached for comment, Chris O’Connor said he would definitely turn into a tree again, but next time he would try to do it somewhere more convenient so no one would try to chop him down.

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