The Internet – Mikey Pence, a 57-year-old boy from Indiana, successfully completed a tour of the Trump Tower in Manhattan yesterday, thus earning the opportunity of a lifetime to be the Republican vice-presidential nominee for the 2016 election.
Five potential candidates entered the tower, which Trump sometimes calls the BS factory due to its ability to create bon soirs, which is French for “good evenings”, but only one left as the person who would be next in line to become president of the United States of America if Trump is elected. That lucky person, the only one not to suffer any embarrassing failures in a series of challenges, was Mikey Pence.
The five vice-presidential hopefuls entered the tower, each showing a guard their golden text message, and then they were led into the Trump Grill, where they were presented with a buffet full of food associated with various ethnic groups which Trump has offended and subsequently claimed to love. The candidates were told to eat as much as they wanted to, and four of the five ate moderately, but Governor Christie apparently thought it was an eating contest and finished three platefuls of bean-heavy fare. He then had to excuse himself for an extended bathroom visit, and the tour went on without him.
After completing their lunches, the candidates were sent on a scavenger hunt for Pokemon. As none of these potential candidates are under the age of forty, they were not expected to use the Pokemon Go app, but instead to find plush dolls of the pocket monsters, which Trump was easily able to purchase because, as he frequently reminds others, he is really rich. The scavenger hunt ended fairly quickly when Sarah Palin found a Pikachu doll and did what she always does when she finds what she is looking for during a hunt. Soon afterwards, security removed her from the premises for unsafe firearm use, and then there were three.
The three who remained continued the tour, eventually stopping in a nightclub, where attractive female exotic dancers danced exotically. Mikey Pence and Teddy Cruz took this opportunity to pray for the souls of sinners everywhere, and while Teddy was seen sneaking several long looks at the dancers, this was not against the rules. Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, made it rain, which was also allowed, but moving on to the next part of the tour required a small tip to hotel staff, and Newt spent all the cash in his pocket on the strippers so he was unable to move on.
Finally, Teddy and Mikey were told to take the elevator up to Donald Trump’s penthouse, where the first one there would be officially named to the ticket. Mikey was assigned an elevator very slightly to the left of Teddy’s, and the race was on. Teddy made it to his elevator almost a full minute before Mikey, but the elevators were programmed to stop one time for each colleague that the candidate upset within the past five years, which made for slow rides for both of them, but young Teddy’s ride was significantly slower. So Mike Pence emerged at the top as the winner, and accepted his prize as Teddy hurled obscenities from what he came to see as a not-great-at-all glass elevator.
In subsequent interviews with mainstream media sources, all of the contestants, as well as Trump Tower employees, are likely to deny that this ever occurred. Some contestants may even deny that they were in the running for the nomination. Nevertheless, this totally happened.