Trump Desperately Seeking Real Name of RussianStiltskin

 

The Internet – While the media has been reporting on various difficulties faced by the Trump Transition Team, it has yet to cover what may be the most pressing issue faced by the president-elect, which is what the obscure Russian hacker RussianStiltskin’s real name is.

RussianStiltskin has kept such a low profile that he, or possibly she because the hacker’s identify is totally unconfirmed, has never been reported on before, but this person may be among the most important players in recent world history. This is because RussianStiltskin spun straw man arguments into political gold by manipulating information on the internet to make voters think Hillary Clinton was in favor of going to war with Russia. And thanks to this hacking, Donald Trump owes an enormous debt to this code-named Russian hacker.

The debt which Trump owes is not a concrete financial sum, which he would also likely do everything within his power to avoid paying, but a promise of his first-born. Unless Donald Trump can guess RussianStiltskin’s actual, legal name before the Electoral College votes on December 19th and Mr. Trump’s impending presidency is expected to become even more official, RussianStiltskin insists that Trump’s first-born is as good as gone.

By first-born, RussianStiltskin does not mean Donald Trump Junior. Although the former reality show star’s oldest child is apparently is of some value to Donald Trump, since if RussianStiltskin took Donald the Younger thenĀ someone else would have to do things like conducting interviews for Secretary of the Interior, Donald the Elder’s most prized offspring is his first-born skyscraper, Trump Tower.

The efforts to save Trump Tower have grown more frantic as time went on. At first it was the e-mails. Although there were other legitimate political reasons to want to know what potentially unethical activity was going on in Hillary Email Land, the primary motivation for Trump pressing the issue was the hope that these e-mails contained RussianStiltskin’s real name. Perhaps the CIA found out and told Hillary so she could use such information to make a deal with Trump at the last minute. Perhaps RussianStiltskin was a double agent in constant contact with Hillary Clinton. Perhaps RussianStiltskin wasn’t Russian at all, but was actually a Clinton ploy to humiliate Donald Trump. All of these possibilities were no less unlikely than some of the more ridiculous conspiracies on the internet, but when many of the emails were found, they revealed no information about RussianStiltskin.

The next step in the attempt to keep Trump Tower was Donald Trump’s insistence he would not live full-time in the White House, and that his youngest son would barely be there at all. There were other justifications for this decision, but the real reason was that if the Secret Service needed to be in Trump Tower at all times to protect the Trump family, the Secret Service would also be able to protect the first-born skyscraper from RussianStiltskin. And they may be able to protect the tower temporarily, but RussianStiltskin appears to be powerful enough that even the protection of the Secret Service is unlikely to keep the tower in Trump’s possession for the rest of the year. So another plan became necessary.

For the next plan, which may have been even more far-fetched than the rest, Trump attempted the gain the Babadook’s attention through a Twitter altercation and then use his masterful negotiating skills to persuade the Babadook to find and terrify RussianStiltskin until the hacker’s birth name was revealed. This plan came crashing down when Trump found himself unable to convince the Babadook to stop taunting and threatening Donald Trump, and therefore there was no chance of convincing the Babadook to cooperate in a scheme to save Trump Tower.

After the epic failure of the Babadook plan, Mr. Trump began nominating highly unqualified people, many of whom seemed to be morally opposed to the job they were supposed to do, to various Cabinet posts and other high-level government positions. This was done in the hope such gross incompetence would sway the Electoral College not to vote for him, thus nullifying his deal with RussianStiltskin, but as of press time there does not seem to be enough anti-Trump sentiment in the Electoral College to save Trump Tower from this secretive cyber-criminal. This may change in the coming days, but it looks like the only options might be to give up Trump Tower or take even more desperate measures.

Donald Trump might have to use his own money to pay for information regarding RussianStiltskin. But only as an absolute last resort.

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