April the Giraffe Gives Brilliant Pro-Abstinence Speeches

The Internet – April the Giraffe has not only captured the attention of the human world, but of the giraffe world as well, although for different reasons.

For the past month, April has been speaking to her fellow giraffes through Skype and Snapchat and various other platforms, warning them to think twice and then maybe several more times after that before choosing to have sex. Because sex leads to pregnancy, and pregnancy can go on for an eternity with the baby spending over a month trying to come out but not actually leaving.

In her speeches, which can only be understood by giraffes because only giraffes understand giraffe language, April often demonstrates how difficult it can be to reach the good leaves at the top while being weighed down by a giant giraffe fetus which may not even be a fetus anymore but a young giraffe swiftly approaching adulthood while slowly leaving the womb. April emphasizes how domesticated giraffes may get some help in this area by human employees at zoos and animal preserves, but giraffes in the wild get no such assistance and should therefore be very careful about getting a belly full of baby.

According to our totally reliable giraffe translator, a brilliant giraffe who is able to communicate with humans by using its head to draw English words in the sand, while April is grateful for human help she also blames humans for her predicament. She feels humans encouraged the mating, and didn’t give her any access to giraffe birth control methods, and that’s why she’s been very big for a very long time. She also may have said some things which the source is reluctant to divulge due to potential retaliation, and considering what has already been divulged those may be some terrible things indeed.

What April may or may not have said in her giraffestinence talks is complete conjecture at this point, just like when she will actually give birth and stop complaining all the time.

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