Shouting at the Top 20 Songs on the Billboard Hot 100 and Telling Them to Get Off My Lawn

The stories currently dominating the mainstream media are fake news. Only shouting at pop songs and telling them to get off my lawn is real!

20 songs are about to be shouted at, although possibly less than they deserve.

20. Ayo & Teo, Rolex

The two of you need to get off my lawn with this nonsense. Nothing wrong with wanting a fancy watch, but if you get one then maybe take care of it. Don’t put ranch dressing on it! That ruins it! Who are you? Are you Ayo and Teo, or the Mad Hatter and the March Hare? And first you’re saying you want the Rolex, and then you have it and it makes your life better, and then you want it again. Make up your minds. Ahhhh!

19. Brett Young, In Case You Didn’t Know

What if she says no? You’re leaving yourself super-vulnerable here, buddy! If she doesn’t feel close to as strongly about you as you feel about her, which is a distinct possibility because you set the bar really high for intense emotions, then you’re due for a massive heartbreak and then you’ll have to write another song about how you loved her so much and she broke your heart anyway and she won’t be listening to it at all. And can you try any harder to make a wedding song? If you can, please don’t.

18. French Montana & Swae Lee, Unforgettable

When you title a song “Unforgettable”, you set a certain expectation for the song, which is not met here. Not met at all! The more memorable part of the song is an overlong, overproduced, autotuned chorus which eventually comes to the conclusion that a sexual relationship should take place because “why not.” Why not??? These awful persuasive skills might be one good reason why not. Also, do you even pronoun? Two different people are referred to as “you” in the same verse. At least I think it was the same verse. I can’t say for sure since even though I just heard the song, I forgot.

17. Childish Gambino, Redbone

What did you do to Childish Gambino? Where is he? This sounds like a soul track from forty years ago. Nothing childish about that! When I first heard this I didn’t know who did it, but I never would have guessed Childish Gambino. This is a drastic change from someone who gained fame as a rapping comedian and comedic actor, and nothing about this is either rapping or comedic! Maybe it’s not bad, but it’s change, and here from my virtual lawn chair I shake my fist at change. Chaaaaaaange! That means I hate it, not that I want change, although now I must change the song I’m shouting at.

16. Kyle & Lil’ Yachty, iSpy

Get off of my head lawn with this song, Kyle and Lil’ Yachty! This is very catchy, with an earworm of a sing-song chorus reminiscent of a kids’ song. But this is not a kids’ song. Maybe an adolescent song, but it is not for kids. The thematic content is not for children, and neither are the words. Especially the uncensored version, with its words that children and Bill Maher can (and should) get yelled at for saying. But the point here is the song should be yelled at for sounding so much more innocent than it is. Yell! Yell! Yell!

15. Imagine Dragons, Believer

Have you met people before, Imagine Dragons? Don’t you know how poor listening comprehension can be? Just because this is supposed to be an inspiring song about how making it through suffering caused by forces beyond your control gave you the strength to take control of your life, that doesn’t mean that’s how people will interpret it. You sing so quickly in much of the song that sometimes all someone will hear is “Pain!” And they will think you think pain is a good thing no matter what, so they should inflict pain on themselves. And that is not good for them. Not good for them at all, Imagine Dragons.

14. Sam Hunt, Body Like a Back Road

This song is dirty like a back road, without using any actual profanity, and the dirtiness of the back roads is one part of the metaphor the song missed. If her body’s really like a back road then it’s likely to be filthy and poorly maintained, with unexpected bumps which will shock and possibly hurt you. And a lot of other people ride on top of a back road with no one else in sight. Maybe no one else noticed how you only used the metaphor when it was convenient for you, but I did. Also, this song encourages terrible driving if taken literally. 15 in a 30 is a terrible idea, and driving with your eyes closed is worse. Maybe you think people should know better, but if you know enough people then you should know better than that.

13. Kygo & Selena Gomez, It Ain’t Me

Why you gotta be so cruel, Selena? This guy is obviously going through some struggles, with a serious case of alcoholism, and not only do you leave him but you rub it in his face! Maybe he’s beyond help, and it is not your responsibility to try to fix him, but if you’re a decent human being then it’s your responsibility not to be like “Ha ha ha you need all sorts of help and comfort and I’m not going to give you any.” That’s just mean. For shame, Selena. For. Shame.

12. James Arthur, Say You Won’t Let Go

What’s going on in this song, James? Are you stuck in a moment of regret the whole song and daydreaming of what might have been, or did the relationship progress from a night to a lifetime over the course of three minutes of singing? If the former, then there should have been an easy solution to that. You had her number, right? So after you realized it wasn’t just the alcohol controlling your emotions, you could have called her up the next day and tried to set up another date. If you were too scared to do that, then regret that, but not your decision not to do something while intoxicated which you both might regret in the morning. Telling her to get some rest was the right decision! If she said she wouldn’t let go, and you let her keep holding on even though she was more drunk than you were, that would have been the opposite of the right decision!

And if it was the latter, if you ended up getting married and staying together your whole lives, why do you need her to say those words? Hasn’t she said as much, over and over again, with her actions? A promise to stay means much less than actually staying! How do you not know this?! Argh!

11. Julia Michaels, Issues

You’ve got some issues, Julia. More than the issues you admit to having in the song. First of all, you are judging. Maybe you are choosing to forgive and accept after judging, but by proclaiming your partner has issues you are making a judgment. But the biggest issue with the song is the assertion at the end of the chorus, that being irresistibly attracted to this other person is a problem, when you just said you are perfect for each other. Do you want the relationship you have, or not? There is no place on my lawn for such indecision!

10. Post Malone, Congratulations

Good job, Post Malone, creating yet another addition to the most common theme in hip-hop, being successful in spite of the haters and doubters. And considering how whiny your voice sounds when you try to sing, the haters and doubters may have been justified. But you made it. You’ve reached a level of mild-to-moderate success, which is much better than mild-to-moderate plaque psoriasis. But what gets under my skin is one little line where you ask how you can make sense when your mind is focusing on making millions. How can you? Easily! Snoop knew this 25 years ago. When you’ve got money on your mind, you gotta focus on the lyrics to make that money. Or at some point a record executive will listen to a track of yours, decide it makes no sense, and burn up all your deals. If that happens, no amount of swagging will save your career, and you’ll wish you’d made sense.

9. Lil Uzi Vert, XO Tour Llif3

This song makes Julia Michaels seem well-adjusted. Maybe Xanny takes the pain away, but it can also take the brain away, especially if mixed with other drugs and it sounds like it’s being mixed with other drugs in this song. Maybe that’s why you thought llif3 is a word. Llif3 is not a word! And “committed, not addicted” is exactly the sort of thing an addict in heavy denial would say. The problems alluded to here are super-depressing, and I don’t want them on my lawn. Go away!

8. The Chainsmokers & Coldplay, Something Just Like This

The woman in the song is a dream crusher! If he wants to better himself, let him better himself! Yeah, she’s justified in not wanting him to be something he’s not, especially if trying to do so is a dangerous course of action, but there are other roads to self-improvement and she doesn’t want him to take them. She just wants him to stay boring and unimpressive, and basically just be there for her without much of a life of his own. Which is terrible! And he seems to be relieved about her total lack of expectations, so maybe he deserves her, but such a celebration of mediocrity has no place on my lawn! Shoo!

7. Zedd & Alessia Cara, Stay

Needy and demanding much here, Alessia? Was the man from “Baby it’s Cold Outside” a role model of yours? The person you want to stay doesn’t have to stay, and you know it, and yet you keep insisting otherwise. And we all know staying for just a minute won’t be nearly enough for you, since you’d stay on that couch for hours if you could, taking occasional brief breaks before going right back on the couch again. So you are needy and dishonest. Shame! Despite the shameful nature of this song, it has stayed near the top of the Billboard Hot 100 chart for months, and may stay for a while, but this song may not stay on the front lawn of my mind. Leave!

6. Future, Mask Off

Maybe the worst song out of all these. Even after struggling through the lyric video, it’s hard to tell what it’s about, but it sounds like taking a bunch of drugs and then robbing a bank without a mask on even though he makes plenty of money rapping. I’m not going to say any more about this one except OFF MY LAWN!

5. Ed Sheeran, Shape of You

First of all, Ed, magnets don’t push. They pull. I push you off my lawn for mistakes like that one, and the subject-verb agreement error in the same line. A magnet does. Some magnets do. Poetic license doesn’t apply when there is such an easy fix. What’s not easily fixed is the premise of the song as a whole, that the shape of a body is a subject of love. If someone took the same shape and turned it into a red, green, and purple mannequin, I guarantee you would not feel the same emotions. If you did, then you have worse issues than several narrators of the songs on this list.

4. Kendrick Lamar, Humble

Don’t tell me to sit down! I am sitting, by the lawn I totally have, as you come along with your clever wordplay and complex rhymes that aren’t actually directed at me but sometimes seem like they could be. I will not sit down when I am already sitting, and I will not stand for this song overstaying its welcome on my lawn. Be gone now! Go away!

3. DJ Khaled & A Bunch of Other People, I’m the One

Which one of you is the one? Maybe when only one of you claims to be the one I can believe you and then this song would be welcome on my lawn. Right now, it’s not.

2. Bruno Mars, That’s What I Like

I get it, Bruno. You’re really rich, and you like spending your money to make someone else happy, at least until she tires of material possessions and longs for something deeper. And while T.I. made essentially the same song a few years ago with “Whatever You Like,” you put your own spin on it and you do it well, which is fine. What is not fine is this song staying on my lawn unless it uses the money it talks about to cut the grass. That would be useful, since I’m too busy shouting at songs to mow the lawn.

1. Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, & Justin Bieber, Despacito

No entiendo mucho de este cancion. Estoy escribiendo en espanol ahora porque escucho Despacito muy frecuentemente. Por eso, este cancion tiene que get off my lawn ahora mismo!

 

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