100% True Spoilers From This Week’s Game of Thrones

Millions of people will be tuning in to HBO tonight to watch the season premiere of Game of Thrones, this being the seventh season of the epic fantasy series. And since the show has caught up to the books in terms of narrative, it is especially difficult to predict what happens next. The suspense could be overwhelming, and in order to potentially lessen dangerous feelings of plot-related anxiety, Totes Real News has obtained five important plot elements of the season premiere and these spoilers are now on the internet for everyone to read.

Tyrion Lannister Grows About a Foot Taller

It tuns out that while Tyrion was biologically destined to be short, he wasn’t supposed to be that short. Tywin’s abuse of his son, stemming from resentment over Tyrion’s mother’s death, was more extensive than even Tyrion had realized. Every time Tywin saw Tyrion sleeping alone as a teenager, Tywin applied an ointment to Tyrion’s skin. This ointment became invisible within minutes, but had long-lasting effects on Tyrion, with the primary result being stunting Tyrion’s growth. Tyrion eventually learned about the ointment from Jaime, and during a lull in events Tyrion consulted with a sorceress to stimulate his growth hormones and allow him to reach his natural height. He also looks younger now, since the ointment caused some premature aging, and he is now portrayed by Elijah Wood.

Ned Stark is Not Dead

Everyone watching the show, or reading the books, was sure Ned Stark had ceased to be alive. Trustworthy people, or at least as trustworthy as anyone can be in Westeros, saw the beheading. People can come back from some pretty serious injuries despite the lack of modern medicine, but no one has ever been beheaded and returned as a fully living person.

But Eddard Stark was never beheaded. He saw trouble coming the moment he heard of Jon Arryn’s death, and then he went searching for an actor who played him in mummer’s farces because this actor looked almost exactly like Ned Stark. With a little coloring of the hair and a couple of extra pounds, this man could pass as Ned Stark. So Ned went into hiding, paying this actor quite well to pretend to be Ned Stark, and the actor used such strong method techniques that he ended up being executed as Ned Stark. But Ned Stark, who told no one of this plan lest they ruin it, was not actually dead, and season seven sees him return and struggle to explain himself to any potential allies he can find.

Cersei Lannister Sees a Therapist

Cersei Lannister comes to realize that if she keeps acting the way he does, the rest of Westeros is finally going to agree on something, with that something being the necessity of banding together to destroy Cersei Lannister. So she spent the time between seasons consulting with a maester who specializes in mental health counseling in order to try to figure out how to control her urges to be irredeemably power-hungry. She hasn’t stopped being a terrible person in tonight’s episode, but she makes a little progress.

Jon Snow Goes on a Game Show, Loses

Jon Snow is picked as a contestant on the new game show “Westero Celebrities: Do They Know Things? What Do They Know?” and it doesn’t go well for him. Not only does he fail to recall basic Westerosi history involving the exploits of Bran the Builder, but he cannot recall the previous Lord Commander of the Watch. Jon Snow truly knows nothing.

Or perhaps he let his opponents win for a reason. You’ll have to watch later episodes, or read later spoilers, to find out.

Drogon Kills Daenerys Targaryen with One Hot Breath

In an episode full of shockers, this is the shockingest shocker. The Mother of Dragons is dead now, killed by her own “child.” Everyone seemed to expect her to keep playing the Game of Thrones until the very end, as she was seen as the fire in the Song of Ice and Fire, but nope. She’s dead now. No more Khaleesi.

But this was just a hastening of the inevitable. Winter is coming, and while Dany was equipped to deal with a lot of things, she was never ready for winter.

 

Update: Rumor has it that some, if not all, of these events failed to come to pass, but if that is the case the reason is because the producers were so devastated by the outing of their secrets 15 minutes before air time that they aired an alternate version of episode one where other things happened.

 

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