Citing Demogorgon Invasion, Trump Declares National Emergency

Donald Trump recently made a speech advising all Americans to stay safely indoors for the foreseeable future due to the risk posed by demogorgons from the Upside-Down.

Demogorgons are monsters which have been observed multiple times on camera, and this footage has been seen by millions of people. Their extreme quickness and seemingly limitless hunger is reminiscent of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but unlike velociraptors the demogorgons are not confined to an island off the coast of Central America. They have been spotted in the mainland United States, in a small town called Hawkins, Indiana, and once a life-threatening menace hits Middle America it has the potential to spread across the entire country.

Recognizing this threat and vowing to keep it under control, President Trump gave a brief speech warning all Americans to take extreme caution until the demogorgons have been destroyed, as well as outlining a plan of action to get rid of the demogorgons. While the mainstream media did not air this speech due to its refusal to recognize demogorgons as a legitimate threat, TotesRealNews was there and recorded what Mr. Trump said. The text of the speech is reproduced below:

I have come to speak to you about a very real danger, and this danger is called demogorgons. The fake news media won’t talk to you about them because they would rather try to take me down with nonsense about Russia, but these demogorgons are bad news. I saw them on TV, and believe me, they are worse than Mexicans. None of these demogorgons are very good people, or even people, I can tell you that.

They are so bad that you all should stay somewhere safe until these demogorgons have been dealt with. I know some of you will be disappointed about missing Halloween, but you would not even be able to enjoy Halloween with these demogorgons around. They will eat all your candy, and then they will eat you. Maybe they eat you first. Who knows? But what I do know is how important it is to take action now, and so I have a plan. It is a very good plan, quite possibly the best plan, and I will tell you about it now.

The first thing we are going to do is build a wall. We will build a very big wall, and a very strong wall, and we will build it around Hawkins, Indiana so the demogorgons can’t get out. Hawkins will pay for it, and if they don’t then we will find a way to get this wall built since it is such an important wall. When this is all over then maybe we will pick this wall up and bring it to the border with Mexico, but right now we are going to focus on building this wall to keep us safe from demogorgons.

The other thing we are going to do is conduct a lot of very quick research on the best way to defeat demogorgons. That means all investigations about Russia or whatever else have to be suspended immediately to focus on the real danger, which is demogorgons. Seriously, they will eat you. Even if Russia and my campaign did anything wrong, which I assure you they didn’t, we would never eat you. Trump Tower taco bowls taste so much better.

Once again, do not go outside, but if you must go outside then visit Donald J. Trump dot com, where you will be able to purchase demogorgon survival kits as long as they haven’t been removed by hackers. Only two hundred dollars, plus shipping and handling.

At press time, no formal plans have been made to build a wall in Indiana, but ISIS has claimed responsibility for the demogorgons. And hackers had apparently visited Donald Trump’s online store, removing one item from the website.

 

 

 

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